Thoughts While Running #002
the monotony of motherhood + an accidental 9 miles.
The other day a friend of mine asked me how my summer was going, and the best answer I could give her was ‘kind of mundane…but I guess that’s ok?’ Mundane not meaning bad, just average, monotonous…uninterrupted…lacking inspiration. Each day sort of the same but also just slightly different?
I’ve been thinking a bit about what could be driving this feeling of…stuckness? and I think it’s a combination of things stacking on top of each other and driving a routine that has become just that: a routine. A consistent day in and day out series of events that lack the disruption that causes excitement. This isn’t to say hanging out with a toddler at the zoo isn’t without excitement, it just isn’t the excitement I’m used to.
There is a monotony to motherhood that can be mind numbing. Existing on a schedule that is not your own and that doesn’t take into consideration your needs, asking for flexibility that can at times feel quite rigid. Nap times become pockets of free time where both dougie and I get to recharge our batteries - his through sleeping and mine through an activity that makes me feel more human (a workout…a shower…RHWONYC).
That’s not to say mind numbing doesn’t also include mind blowing (when dougie took his first steps my husband and I were cheering for him like it was the superbowl) or moments of pure joy (I will literally do anything to make my son laugh because it is hands down the greatest sound in the world). But generally speaking, 90% of the time it’s this routine of eating and napping and playing, rinse and repeat day after day. Every transition between repeat activities becoming a psychological chess game of ‘how can I make you do what I need you to do while also allowing you to feel like you’re in control of what you’re doing?’ Which isn’t without its own strategy worthy of a war room, but it also isn’t exactly advanced physics.
At the end of the day, I feel the need to turn my brain off, mindlessly scroll through my phone or watch a low-effort show (anyone watching ‘The Summer I Turned Pretty’? ugh Conrad…) but the irony is I often feel like I never actually turned my brain on. At least, not the part of my brain I used to use in my old life. The one that is now dusty with layers of cobwebs that I can feel churning like an old clock anytime I have a conversation with someone that doesn’t live in our house.
On the few days a week Dougie happens to be at daycare, my days by contrast are completely unstructured. Which if I’m not careful, can feel aimless and purposeless by comparison. On these daycare days when I’m free of the constraints of a toddler schedule I can feel a semblance of my former self peaking around the corner…interests that had been buried by the demands of mothering (or let’s be honest…life, really) starting to spring up, like seeds that had been planted in a neglected garden.
Running for me is one of those seeds. It disrupts the mundane and gives a much needed break from the day to day monotony. It doesn’t fully scratch the itch I have for something bigger but it does feel like I get a microdose of newness every time I do it. No route is the same, and if it starts to feel boring or unexciting I can easily mix it up, seek out a new path. And the best part is that it doesn’t require a lot of time or equipment - I can run during the morning with the stroller or during nap times on the weekends…flexing when I need an extra dose of summer or a little more alone time with my thoughts.
We had a pocket of real summer weather this past weekend in SF, a rare unicorn in the midst of never ending days of fog, unseasonably cool temps and lots of layers. I’m 100% team summer so to be able to run in a bra and shorts and not regret my life choices was everything. In my excitement, I accidentally ran 9 miles, hitting not one but two iconic peaks in SF while also revisiting an old route I love. I had a good playlist going, it was full sun, 70 degrees and I just wasn’t ready for the run to be over.
This is how running has been for me lately : an opportunity to disrupt the routine that has come to drive so much of my life at the moment. It’s an outlet that can inspire, challenge and allow for space to be with myself, reminding me who I am and what I am at my core. Running isn’t this for every one, but what I’m learning is that it’s important to have that thing or things that pull me back up to the surface when I start to feel like I’m drowning in the day to day.
It’s easy these days to mindlessly scroll through instagram and feel like my feed is filled with everyone else’s adventures but not with mine. Or to reframe it’s still filled with my adventures, but ‘adventure’ isn’t Paris but instead it’s ‘weekend walk for coffee and croissants’. The adventures these days are smaller, and if I’m not fully present, ones I can easily take for granted or miss.
And all of this to say, that this feeling of mundane monotony is temporary and ok. There’s a sort of slowing down (which I’m still forming thoughts around so more on that later) that is also beautiful. An invitation to get quiet, present and truly enjoy a moment in time that goes so quickly and yet so slowly all at once. To honor this season I’m in and to hold space for the beautiful dichotomy that is motherhood.