Thoughts While Running #003

sitting in the sh*t.

One of the things I appreciate about running is that it really truly teaches me to sit in the sh*t. And by ‘sh*t’ I mean ‘discomfort’. Sometimes it’s literal (never eat yogurt before a long run) or physical (always remember to warm up) but mostly it’s all mental. I find the mental discomfort to be the most challenging because turning off my brain is one of the hardest things I’ve ever tried to do. Years of meditation and I still get swallowed up in these tornadoes of thoughts so consuming that sometimes I’m not sure if I thought the thought or actually spoke it out loud.

a fly with some little fly sized running shoes sitting in some sh*t.

Let me tell you, I’ve really been in the sh*t lately. The supreme discomfort that comes with starting something new, once the excitement of the initial seed of the idea starts to wear off and the challenge of making it a reality becomes, well, real. It’s like a teeter totter - on one end : excitement and optimism and on the other end : self doubt and fear. The trick is to keep them balanced at best but lately the self doubt and fear have been winning. In my mind self doubt and fear are like that black oil alien virus from the X-Files that used to give me nightmares as a kid. They slowly creep in and before I realize it, they’ve overtaken my entire being.

As a result, I did what any sane person does in this situation : enlist an expert reach out to a friend completely ignore it.

This goal I have is to start a running store and it’s absolutely terrifying. ‘Terrifying’ exciting and also simply : Terrifying. It’s big and the risk of failing is more than just a bruised ego as it also carries a huge financial weight that isn’t just mine. I want it so bad - an idea so ripe I can almost taste it. I can picture the store, the community, what I’m wearing to work every day and most importantly : the legacy I’ll be living for Dougie to see.

who wouldn’t want to buy run gear from someone dressed this cute? left : district vision jacket, ganni cotton dress + saucony shoes // right : tracksmith bra (it has a pocket!), frankie shop sequin (!!!) shorts, ceile x puma hat, kule socks + asic shoes

So rather than find ways of chipping away it, breaking it down into smaller more accessible goals that can stack on top of each other and ladder up to the end result, I’ve let it overwhelm me. Swallow me up to the point of inaction, a series of open tabs in my browser window to read at a later date. Living in the shadow of something that feels so insurmountable, I’ve allowed my attention to shift to things I can accomplish that give me immediate, instant gratification. These smaller tasks have become a focal point for all my pent up ‘not moving forward’ frustration to fester. They have a definitive start and end, providing a feeling of achievement, a check mark next to a list of to-dos I can look at and feel like I’ve gotten somewhere during my day. Keep my ego happy by allowing me to feel like I’ve added value but most importantly shift my focus away from the root of the real discomfort I’ve been sitting in.

one such project : organizing our bathroom. i should just show you a photo of the bathroom but instead here are the things i bought that made me very happy. cold picnic crop circles bath mat, hawkins new york simple terry bath mat, container store stacking bins

If I’m being honest, running is also a distraction for me at the moment. Although slightly different than rearranging the living room it also provides an outlet to refocus my energy while simultaneously giving me space to sit with my thoughts. That same feeling of accomplishment (combined with a lot of endorphins) lends a different momentum, a dotted line into my ultimate end goal. I’ve been running a lot more lately - partly due to having the time but also because it keeps me connected to my vision and allows me to research new products. Ultimately, however, it gives me space to disconnect in a way that is actually beneficial to my physical and (more importantly) mental health. On the days when I’m mentally exhausted or overwhelmed it’s simply one mile (or one foot) after the other.

yesterday it was one hill after another. here’s me really sitting in some really hot sh*t.

Right now the work is getting comfortable with the discomfort that is the present. Trusting that with all discomfort comes growth, and leaning into the feeling of excitement I have when I close my eyes and picture going to work every day (or having Dougie help restock shoes on the weekend). Supporting these feelings of trust with action - chipping away bit by bit so that it’s less of a mountain and more a series of hills. Reminding myself that with every uphill comes a downhill, and every effort (no matter how big or how small) is rewarded with the momentum of moving forward.