Thoughts While Running #004
ciao Italia!
We returned from a not-too-short but also could-have-been-longer trip to Italy last week and I’ve been trying to form a few words around how necessary it was and how grateful I am that we could make it happen. I’ve been reflecting a bit on just how much of a gift it was to get away sans toddler (!) for a few days to live a frivolous life in the countryside of Italy free of any parental responsibilities. How crucial it was for my mental health to press pause on everything, to forget that I am (currently) not working and to give myself permission to take a full body break - of the mental and physical varietals.
Some thoughts I’ve had (mostly) while running these past few days:
f*ck being responsible (sometimes).
When I was abruptly ushered into my non-working era back in May the responsible part of my brain wanted to cut out any additional spend that wasn’t necessary, especially when we were now raising a child in the country’s most expensive city on one income rather than two.
Booking a vacation to Italy was probably the absolute last thing this penny pinching part of me wanted to do, and yet it was absolutely incredibly necessary. The last 3 years have been mentally (and also physically to an extent) very, very exhausting and I’m sure this is not a table at which I’m sitting alone. The world is in a state of polycrisis - a buzzword created to capture the plethora of stressors in the world all happening simultaneously: the covid endemic, a potential recession, the climate crisis, gender and racial inequalities, etc etc. Navigating this while also experiencing a polycrisis of my own: mourning the loss of my old identity while getting to know the new one that comes with becoming a mother alongside returning to work after a (generous by US standards) 5 month maternity leave back into the chaotic instability that comes with working for a struggling US retailer while learning to juggle my full time job while carrying the mental load of parenting only to survive all this for a year before ultimately getting laid off…thank god I have a good therapist and also good god I needed a break from it all.
Once I emerged from my ‘I’ll never work again’ spiral I realized this non-working era will also (hopefully) be a temporary one. In the past I’ve always had a fairly rigid work schedule and one day when I open a running store this will probably also be true. Matt and I actually had one of the worst fights of our relationship while wedding planning as I had proposed squeezing in a city hall elopement after a major deadline when I had approximately one week where I could take a few days off. Matt’s argument was that work shouldn’t dictate what we do with our lives (he has, ironically, worked in retail) and he’s worked really hard to put himself in a position where work won’t dictate his life. In the end we went with my proposal (as a city hall wedding was ultimately what I wanted) and then threw a party for all our friends and family several months later (which was ultimately what he wanted) and it was all perfect and I would highly recommend this to anyone planning a wedding in the near future. I digress but what I realized is that these months where I’m not working might actually be the most flexible months I have in a very long time and life is short and c’est la vie and it would be a waste of a layoff if we didn’t try to take advantage of it in some capacity.
a break from reality can be incredibly beneficial to the mind, body, and soul as well as mom and dad’s relationship.
I really needed the time, space and change of scenery to focus on myself, my relationship with my husband and to find inspiration through immersing myself in a culture that isn’t my own. And because I find clothing to be a creative outlet (one that has also become extremely limited as most days I sit around in my running clothes until I finally shower at 3pm) I was desperate to pack a suitcase of clothing that needed to serve no function other than making me feel good and also happened to be 75% white.
I remember researching maslow’s hierarchy of needs for work once as one of our trend services had taken this idea and applied it to seasonal theme and trend research (which was a bit of a stretch but interesting nonetheless). I often think of this in relationship to my own pyramid of needs however in my version it’s inverted and less about my needs and more about who needs me. Like the top of an hourglass where those who are highest get the most of my time and each level gets what’s left over until the bottom gets whatever kernels remain.
The guilt that comes with having very little left over to give as a wife after giving so much as a mother to then have even less left over to give to myself is one that isn’t unfamiliar to most. As much as I needed the unstructured time and space to focus on me (because I’m an introvert, not a narcissist) I also needed the time and space to focus on being a partner in a relationship with my husband. It felt positively indulgent to exist as simply a person and secondarily as a couple for a week and to have time for things like a leisurely lunch, a bottle of wine and conversations that weren’t strategic (‘what’s for dinner?’) or reactionary (‘is that a new rash (on dougie)?’)
I alluded in the beginning to taking a break both mentally and physically during this trip. I always pack my running shoes and travel yoga mat as I really appreciate having the option to be able to move my body in some capacity while traveling. It keeps me grounded and feeling good; whether it be a run, hike or some low-key hotel room pilates. While I packed all of that and did a little of it on this trip, I fully gave myself permission to prioritize rest. I also gave myself permission to indulge, so a few glasses of wine + jetlag meant I wasn’t really catching up on any of the sleep I’ve missed out on for the past three years but I did sleep in one morning until 7:30(am) and while it might’ve been melatonin induced it felt positively divine.
jetlag is a privilege and one that I will never again take for granted.
I remember having a similar thought as I looked out onto the ocean from a very vacant beach in Oahu, mere weeks after the island reopened to visitors during the pandemic. I used to travel a lot for work to the point where I sometimes dreaded boarding the plane (one of my previous employers required we travel internationally 4-6 times per year and we weren’t allowed to fly business, which sounds spoiled however flying economy for 16 hours to then go work vs. flying economy for 16 hours to then go vacation hits a little different). I no longer travel for work (obviously as I am no longer working) and yet travel still makes up a large part of who I am. It’s something I enjoy (even when I complained about it, I still looked very much forward to it) and it’s something we do so often as a culture it’s easy to forget how much of a wonder it all is. We boarded a plane (which has an average weight when loaded of around 175,000 lbs) and in 12 hours we were in Italy. I’m sure in 50 years when we can all go to the moon this will seem archaic (remember when it used to take TWELVE hours to get to Europe? ha ha) but it never ceases to amaze me.
That said, I was still wrecked. I’ve forgotten how to sleep on an airplane and also how miserable trying to sleep on said airplane can be. Good thing I didn’t care because I caught up on the many, many shows I would never have found the time to watch had I not been stuck on an airplane for 12 hours. I also feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve indulged in a full night’s sleep so while I might’ve been wrecked, I was maybe only half as wrecked as I would have been otherwise?
take more pictures. like a lot more.
I took very little photos on our trip and I wish now that I had documented everything. I wish I had taken photos of the tea trays of prosciutto, fruit and pastries we were served each morning at breakfast. I wish I had taken photos of every meticulously thought out detail in each of the hotels we’d stayed at. I’d like to say I was too busy living in the moment and deliberately trying to use my phone less, but to be honest I just didn’t think I’d want to scroll through pictures of croissants and cheese after we got home. Turns out I kind of do?
it’s really, really nice to be home.
Two days before we were due to fly home, we woke up to a video of Dougie that had been posted to our daycare app. With his big brown eyes he said ‘hi dadda, hi mama…I luv you!’ and I was all tears and have since probably watched the video no less than fifty times. I watched it again last night before I fell asleep I love it so much. We missed him to pieces and I’m sure he missed us as well but he was also living his absolute best life while we were away. We put him in daycare for a couple extra days and when he wasn’t hanging with all his little BFF’s he got to hang with Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Nick. As hard as it was to leave him for a week, it really is wonderful to see him surrounded by such a wonderful community of people who love him as much as we do. Needless to say we were ready to come home at the end of our trip and even though he might’ve asked for Grandma that first morning after we got back, it was really, really nice to get me some Dougie cuddles.
I also realized just how lucky we are to live in San Francisco and how nice it is to return to a city (and home) that I love. The city has gotten a really bad rap lately as it’s been politicized to the point people think the streets are covered in used needles while unhoused addicts are stealing luggage from unsuspecting tourists’ cars and while yes, some of that is happening, it’s also a gorgeously unique and special place to live. We’re so blessed to have the mountains and the ocean alongside amazing restaurants and museums. I always put the window down on the drive home from the airport because there’s nothing more refreshing after a long flight than that the cool crisp foggy SF air.
Now that we’ve slowly settled back into the familiarity of routine (and I’ve begrudgingly accepted the fact that no one will be bringing me coffee and breakfast in the morning) I appreciate being home even more. The cats (the aforementioned Mama + Nacho who might be deserving of their own post one day) have been extra cuddly (excluding anytime between the hours of 10pm-5am) and I swear Dougie grew an inch while we were gone and is now speaking in full sentences. They might not be grammatically correct, but they contain more than 2 words and it is absolutely incredible how the human brain develops. All this to say while I love to travel, I also love to be home.
*k