Thoughts While Running #008

not running.

I was off last week as I was in Austin attending The Running Event, a massive 3 day event for anyone in the running industry. Running store reps and brands all in attendance, it’s essentially one massive race expo on steroids. It was a great experience for a variety of personal reasons I’ve spent the last few days processing with the intent on sharing a post about this week.

Intentions are great but in reality we’re all sick again, the third virus we’ve had in about 6 weeks. This one started with a 103 degree fever the day after I got home and has since evolved into a loud barking cough to compliment a nose that has been running nearly nonstop since November. Maybe RSV, maybe croup, but doesn’t matter because antibiotics don’t work on viruses and there’s no point in bringing him in anyway so here’s a cut and paste reply on how to treat coughs with a steamy bathroom and honey. Don’t contact us unless it gets worse and it probably will get worse and even then there won’t be anything we can really do to help alleviate the anxiety you’ll feel every time he coughs/sneezes/refuses to eat but go ahead and bring in him because there’s nothing more enjoyable than taking a toddler to see the doctor, especially when he’s sick.

Oh and mom has it too. Again. Because we’re working on sharing and taking turns and covering our mouths when we cough and the best way to cover a mouth is with mom’s face. And did you know you aren’t supposed to run with a respiratory virus? I didn’t until I had bronchitis two weeks ago and googled it because my mind was battling my body trying to negotiate if one could convince the other it was a good idea. It’s ok because I really didn’t want to run anyway as I very much enjoy my health app reminding me I haven’t walked as much this month as I did last month and forget closing your movement ring for the next 3 months of your life because it’s December and cold season lasts until they’re 25.

Not running is tough for me, especially when it’s the way I escape, process and cope when I’m stressed, anxious, worn out. Running is essentially all of things I require to be a baseline decent human being : time outside, alone, moving my body. Where I struggle is sitting still, managing my mental health when I can’t get outside, can’t find time to/for myself. When someone, like a sick child, needs me more, needs me constantly, needs Mom-on-Demand™.

All the moms I talk to commiserate. We’re all in it together, stuck on the cold train, given a ticket we never asked for. Coughs are the hottest accessory this season oh and would you like a Ricola too bad because they’re sold out everywhere.

I snuck out for a run Wednesday, before the literal and metaphorical rain, before we found out maybe it’s RSV, maybe it’s croup, when the fever had broke before the cough became serious and we sent our son to daycare…maybe a day too early but he’ll be ok because he’s on the mend. It was my first time running at pace in about 3 weeks and it felt liberating. Indulgent. A chance to listen to my body and my thoughts and space to sit with all or nothing of these things.

It may be my first and last of the week as we all recover from whatever virus is currently circulating through our house. The doctor appointments I rescheduled during the last virus have been rescheduled (again) and here we are on the couch watching youtube videos of cable cars and muni, which has proven to be very educational and when we (me) get bored with those we switch to snoopy christmas while I type this newsletter with one hand on my phone.

Mentally I’m spent. My emotional bank of worry coins all used up. Exhausted from 6 weeks of navigating coughs, congestion and will the fever break and is it worth messaging the doctor? I’ve been thrown up on sneezed on coughed on and snuggled on. I’d prefer more of the last one than the others but I’ll take what I can get. I think it helps us both feel better, or at least I hope so.

Physically I’m antsy. Itching for another moment of untethered freedom outside. A chance to wear off some of the excess energy that’s been bottled up from all the worrying/nursing/caretaking. As a bandaid I’m micro-dosing movement when/where I can : 20 minutes of yoga here, 15 minutes of pilates there. A walk in the morning to get coffee with a maybe RSV maybe croup toddler strapped to my chest, wondering how far I should walk and if the fresh air is helping or harming his cough.

If you’re reading this and you’re also on the sick train I’m sorry. I have no encouraging words other than spring will come and the colds will become less frequent and youtube exists for a reason. Next week hopefully I’ll have the TRE related newsletter I planned for this week and if anyone wants to hear some muni or cable car related facts, drop me a note in the comments and I’ll gladly share some of my new found knowledge.

For those of you not on the sick train, happy running.

*k