Thoughts While Running #015

two things can be true.

We officially survived the unofficial Hand, Foot + Mouth pandemic of 2024 which means the mister is back at daycare this week and I’ve gotten to log a few miles without having to push a running stroller and it’s temperamental passenger. There were some highs, some lows, and since the goal was survival I can say we achieved it but I don’t feel like I’ll be winning any parenting awards anytime soon unless there’s an award for losing your shit in a Whole Foods parking lot.

As a result, I haven’t been feeling so great in the parenting department and these feelings of not-so-greatness have been amplified by the wonderful hormonal roller coaster that is the female body due to the onset of my period (already?! weren’t we just talking about this last week?!) I brought these feelings of subpar parenting up with my therapist the other day in a not so articulate ‘I feel like a shitty mom’ sort of way because the truth is I have been feeling like a shitty mom and turns out feeling like a shitty mom is a slippery slope toward feeling like a shitty person and it’s all just, well, shitty.

My therapist (also a mom) was empathetic and recommended a few resources to help me feel a little less shitty because truth be told toddlerhood is Hard and when you’re constantly negotiating and telling someone ‘no thank you’ a million times a day while they just go and do it anyway it isn’t always awesome. It can feel downright bipolar at times because toddlers can be the sweetest little things ever when they do genuinely adorable things like give you giant leg hugs before bed and ask you to ‘see me’ when they want to play hide and seek and ask to go ‘wee’ everyday (which means go for a run) because they have so much fun doing this thing that you’ve introduced into their lives that you enjoy doing too. Then a minute later when you’re feeling all the warm and fuzzy feels of that ‘I wuv yoo!’ they turn around and take off running untethered at full speed up a hill while you’re juggling a latte, a croissant and a stroller. Or they flat out refuse to sit in their car seat despite it being the only way they can actually go to the banana tree (grocery) store as they scream ‘wanna go banana tree store’ and you’re stuck strong-arming a human plank of wood into submission.

My therapist suggested I read a book called ‘Good Inside’, written by Dr. Becky Kennedy, a child psychologist and mother of three. I had actually bought her book way back when Dougie was still only a couple months old, but he was too little to need it and I was too tired to read it so I had shelved it to be read at a later date as needed. Turns out that later date is now and instead of reading the book I’m listening to the audio version because that’s all I have time for and Dr. Becky is actually quite nice to listen to. If you have a kid, you might be familiar with the magic that is Dr. Becky, and if not, she’s like the Brené Brown of parenting. She focuses her work on both parents and children, centered around this core belief that we are all inherently good inside, doing the best we can with what we have. So while I might be listening to her for the tips on managing toddler tantrums, she’s also going to help me deal with my own shit so I don’t lose it during said tantrums.

(not my chili but it was tasty!)

I decided to give Dr. Becky a listen as I was cooking dinner yesterday (something it is worth noting I very, rarely do) and after her intro she launched into chapter one, where she shares an experience with a mom she was coaching. This mom was tired of always being the disciplinarian, telling her children what they could or couldn’t do, when in reality she wanted to be the fun, goofy parent. What Dr. Becky concludes is that two things can simultaneously be true : this mom can hold a boundary (ie : say ‘no’) and she can still be goofy and fun, and parenting is made up of dualities like this. I can lose my temper and I can repair. I can lose my shit in a Whole Foods parking lot and I can also be a loving parent. You get the idea. It breaks down the rigidity that can surround parenting and gives permission to accept the many different things that can coincide together. I can be playful and caring while also being the no-saying authoritarian I have to be so much of the time with a 2 year old lacking a prefrontal cortex and it’s ok. Fun fact : the prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that allows for things like self-regulation, emotional control, planning + logic etc) doesn’t actually fully develop until age 25. Which explains why reasoning with a toddler feels about as effective as attempting to reason with Nacho, who’s prefrontal cortex might actually be located in his stomach.

All of this was incredibly helpful to listen to as a parent, as it allowed me the space to cultivate some compassion for myself, and it also helped me cultivate some compassion for my son, reminding me that no, he is not intentionally being an asshole as he sticks a cheerio up his nose while maintaining perfect eye contact after I had just informed him cheerios are for eating and we eat with our mouths, not our noses.

I also began to think of this ‘two things are true’ idea in some other aspects of my life, places and spaces that have been a little sticky, where I’ve always felt a bit like an outsider because, perhaps, my combination of dualities sits outside the norm.

Back in December I had alluded to an existential crisis leading up to attending The Running Event in Austin and while I had also suggested one day a post would come, this is not that and at this point such post will probably never arrive. However, this idea of dualities had me thinking about some of the feelings that were coming up for me around the time of the event that have continued to linger, festering a bit as I get closer to this goal of opening Running Wylder IRL. I had initially thought they were a byproduct of some raging imposter syndrome, magnified by the vulnerability and exposure that comes with being an entrepreneur and creating a business that requires a selling of oneself as in, my business will literally be an extension of me - my beliefs, my opinions, my decisions. In the background there’s always a niggling fear that none of these things will be accepted. The grade school worry of ‘what if no one likes me’ in the form of ‘what if no one likes my ideas/products/assortment/store’ but because these are all an extension of me it feels like a rejection of self vs. a rejection of product. Make sense?

So while yes, there’s some of that, what I came to realize while listening to Dr. Becky in the midst of preparing a very delicious (and luckily very easy) chicken chili yesterday afternoon is that part of what’s feeding this insecurity are the dualities of my life. Rather than viewing them as a negative and allowing it to fuel my feelings of lack or fraud, they are simply corresponding truths that make up my unique and individual self. I can love running and read Vogue. I can love running and not be obsessed about my training. I can love running and lust over a pair of ballet flats.

I’ve always felt like I never really ‘fit’ in any of the boxes I’ve lived in. In my design career at casual fashion brands : too sport to be fashion. In my design career at active brands : too fashion to be sport. In my running life : not hardcore enough to be taken seriously. Instead of being both feet in one box, I’ve always had toes in multiple boxes. Feeling like I was never enough in any of these areas because I wasn’t all in on one but rather part in on many. ‘Two things can be true’ is the reframe I didn’t know I needed to finally provide a sense freedom, compassion for myself that disrupts the comparison cycle and allows me to acknowledge and appreciate all the individual things that make up who I am as a whole, the sum of all these wonderful parts.

And also the reframe I needed to remind myself that while saying ‘no’ sometimes might feel shitty, I am not a shitty parent.

*k