Thoughts While Running #016
how many days does it take to feel rested?
I mentioned a couple posts back my husband had surprised me with a trip (sans Dougie) to one of our favorite towns in wine country for my birthday and we’ve just returned from our very relaxing three day getaway. As a parent, whenever I am away, childless, for a period of time the thing I am always most excited about is getting some rest. Our child (thankfully) has always been pretty great in the sleep department in terms of length and duration, however he has always been an early riser, which I am too so I guess that’s just one of many genetic gifts I’ve bestowed upon him. Despite these early morning wake ups, he’s fairly content to chill in his crib, staring at the ceiling while I don’t know, contemplating life? Sometimes he tries to go back to sleep and other times he’ll just hang with his BFF stuffies Colin, Piggie and Gerald.
Despite his fantastic sleep habits that have afforded me a solid 8 hours of sleep fairly regularly (minus the occasional sickness or sleep regression) I am still always exhausted. It’s the kind of deep exhaustion brought on by carrying the mental load of parenting, one that no amount of sleep can cure (but a lack of sleep can exacerbate) because the root of it is simply existing in the day to day grind that is the every day.
So when I say I was looking forward to some ‘rest’ what I mean is the rest afforded for however brief the period of time when the mental load of parenting is lifted from my shoulders. These child-free moments offer a break in the routine, where the decision making can be dialed down, reduced to the bare minimum - where to eat, what to do. It’s why I prefer hotels over airbnbs as it feels much more indulgent (and restful) to sleep in a bed someone else makes for me, to eat breakfast someone else has already prepared. While an airbnb has some amenities hotels can’t offer (like an extra room for sleeping a toddler) it still requires carrying that mental load of home life, just in a different zip code. Someone needs to ensure groceries are bought, snacks are on hand, meals are prepped + planned. Or if cooking is not the goal - that the airbnb is close to whatever food needs might be needed. As someone who struggles to function without some level of caffeine within the first 60 minutes of waking, a nice bougie coffee shop nearby is also vital.
All of this to say, I woke up that first morning after our first night away, and was annoyed to discover that I most definitely did not feel rested. I actually felt the complete opposite of what rested should feel like. I’d had a terrible night of sleep, partially my own fault as the hotel air was dry and I drank way too much water before falling asleep, but also due to the fact that my nervous system was still acclimating to the fact that I had no one I needed to be ‘alert’ for. There was no toddler to check on, no sound machine white noising in the background, no monitor sitting next to my bed. It’s like my brain, my body, my nervous system all struggled to settle into our child-free night. Instead of relaxing into it, it felt like an unnatural occurrence, someone forgotten, an arm suddenly having gone missing, phantom limb syndrome but of the toddler variety. Luckily there were a plethora of nice bougie coffee shops near our hotel and by 7:30 (slightly outside my required 60 min window) I had secured a highly caffeinated beverage to help force a feeling of artificial rest.
The rain took a break and we were treated to a little piece of fake spring heaven so after a relaxing breakfast I had no part in making we went for a hike, ate a leisurely lunch I had no part in preparing and indulged in an afternoon massage. All of these things helped fill up my tank, regulate my nervous system and most importantly allowed me to not think, worry or plan for anyone other than myself. As a result I slept much better on our last night and for the first time in a very long time I woke up feeling as close to rested as rested might feel.
Pre-pandemic, pre-Dougie, back when my husband and I were just a couple of DINKS living in a below market rent controlled apartment, travel occurred on an as-needed basis, with destinations dictated not by budget but by distance, based on the amount of time that could be afforded to be taken off. Many of our trips were a short car or plane ride away to someplace warmer and sunnier than the fog plagued city we choose to inhabit. These trips were usually a request I’d make, at the end of a fairly grueling work deadline, to give myself a bit of a break and allow for some time to rest. They typically involved very little planning (aside from the hotel) and very little clothing (aside from beach attire) and would last anywhere from 3-7 days depending on our destination. I would always re-emerge from these trips feeling rested, relaxed and wishing I had just one more day to continue existing in a sub-vegetable state.
My naivety at thinking one night away would have led to the best sleep of my life (as this is often something I daydream about when all my introverted self desires is a quiet room and no one bothering me) made me wonder, how many days of rest does one actually need to truly feel rested? On the last day of our trip as we got ready to drive back to the city I could feel myself getting antsy, quickly switching back to planning mode, anticipating all the needs that would be needed. I initially thought this was a sign that I was ready to return home, but rather could it be that I never really fully left to begin with? According to a study in 2017, the ideal number of vacation days needed to feel rested is 8, and most adults don’t even begin to unwind until day 3. I’d add an additional 2 days of travel to that number as travel days (in my experience) are usually the opposite of relaxing and say the ideal length of a vacation should be 10 days to achieve true rest.
In a reversal of roles, on the last morning of our trip, my husband went to the hotel fitness center (a generous description since apparently most don’t travel to wine country to work out) while I stayed in bed, enjoying some quiet before heading back to reality. I decided to give myself a couple days off from running and working out during our trip as this is also something I’ve been thinking alot about lately. This need to incorporate rest days into my routine, and how to do it in a way that allows my body time to feel rested but still feels like I have taken time to do something for myself during the day.
I really, really struggle with scheduling rest days and if I’m honest I really, really struggle with the idea of ‘rest’ in general. I’ve always been someone who has enjoyed physical activity and I’ve grown to rely on it mentally for its benefits. Yes, I enjoy the fact that I could run a half marathon tomorrow if needed (it’s not and I won’t) but what I enjoy most is the mental clarity physical activity affords me. Often on a day when I ‘should’ be resting, I’ll simply dial down the intensity and do something like yoga instead. It feels more nurturing for my body and also still provides the mental benefits I crave from movement. But is yoga really rest? And could my body (and my running) actually benefit from simply doing nothing? It’s something I’m hoping to explore more this year, as my goal of running continues to shift away from one that is externally motivated (ie: race or distance) and becomes more internal and I continue to ruminate on how to run for both a long time and a fun time. And running on fresh legs is often times a hell of a lot more fun.
Perhaps there is also something linked to the notion of rest indicating a doing of nothing that contradicts this need I have to always be doing something. That if I’m doing nothing, I’m not being productive, as productivity has always been linked to the tangible things we can see, evaluate and most importantly quantify. That I need to be productive to feel as if I’m contributing because as a society we value high producers, deeming them high achievers fit for promotion and devalue non-productiveness by deeming it lazy or wrong or something that needs to be given an action plan. Another thought for another day as I am no longer on a childless mini vacation and our little nap king has just awoken from his slumber.
May your weekend offer up some moments of rest whatever and whenever they may be.
*k