Thoughts While Running #35
you can't have it all.
The concept of working mothers ‘having it all’ originated in the 1980s1 as women, particularly mothers, entered into the workplace. It became the standard for mom’s juggling a 9-5 plus the demands of motherhood, one that was coined by a woman yet deeply rooted in patriarchal norms.
‘Having it all’ is a myth. Focusing on growing your career? One must hire additional support to take care of their children and then fight with the feelings of ‘failure’ as they watch someone else step in to help. Being late or missing school performances, not being present for playdates, missing bedtime cuddles due to late nights; a few of the contingencies made to prioritize one’s career.
Want to excel at motherhood? Get comfortable foregoing promotions2, saying no to meetings after 6 and being perceived as slightly less ambitious simply because you now have limitations on your time. The flexibility that motherhood demands on time, energy + patience is unmatched.
Even the concept of a ‘side hustle’ is one that is inherently female coded. Men don’t have ‘side hustles’ - they have jobs. For women however, their ‘job’ might be a traditional 9-5 or it might be full time mom while the notion of a side hustle implies they have a hobby they are attempting to monetize.
Tuesday was my birthday - I turned 44. Four years into my journey as a mother, two years into my journey as an entrepreneur. On paper (+ by ‘paper’ I mean Instagram) I look as if I have it all - a family, an adorable child3, a successful business. When people comment I often reply ‘smoke and mirrors’ because internally I am pieced together with washi tape and welly bandages.
As much as we’ve dispelled the idea of ‘having it all’ as a myth, it still exists in the shadows - the bar at which our success is measured. If we can’t meet expectations somewhere, we’ve dropped the ball; failed. Always falling short because each part of our identity is its own full time job.
Instagram perpetuates this myth because no longer is social media about sharing moments of our lives, it’s about marketing ourselves. Portraying ourselves in a way the algorithm rewards us. I long for the 2012 days of instagram’s infancy. When I used to post bad pictures of lattes in foreign countries just so my mom would know where I was in case I forgot to tell her. Now there are entire teams handling social media platforms for people + companies; ensuring they are portrayed in a way the world will perceive as favorable.
There’s a reason birth rates are falling below replacement rates. As AI threatens to take over our jobs + we struggle with global warming, world hunger + agricultural shortages I remain unconvinced this is a bad thing. It’s unrealistic to have multiple children in today’s climate unless an army of help exists in the shadows, or one parent has a career that affords both flexibility and affordability.
With each ‘happy birthday’, I replied ‘I feel old’. A common complaint with each passing year as they add up to numbers of disbelief. Have I really been on this planet for forty-four years? Evidence would say yes, despite how many of those years memory can actually recall. Yet as I reflect back on what makes me feel old, it isn’t the number but rather the responsibilities that age me. The constant demands of life tugging at my coattails.
In my postpartum days I saw a therapist; an interim one as my own was on maternity leave herself. She commented it seemed I harbored resentment in becoming a mom, a comment I still find triggering. I felt as though she stated it to be controversial; intentions I’m not sure I understand the reasoning of, especially in those tender early months. If I could go back and defend myself I would inform her I have absolutely no resentments of becoming a mother - it was a choice I made with no reservations and one I would choose over again in a heartbeat.
What I do harbor resentment toward is the weight of our patriarchal society that becomes so heavy after having a child. Prior to my son’s birth, ‘fuck the patriarchy’ was limited to workplace inequalities and presidential campaigns lost merely do to the ‘unlikability of a woman’. Now the weight of the patriarchy is felt in all aspects of my life - I feel it in the weight of expectation with how I balance my career and motherhood. I feel it in the weight of choosing to start a business in an incredibly male-dominated field.
This idea that a woman can ‘have it all’ is one that puts the ownership entirely on the woman attempting to ‘have it all’. Feel like a failure due to an inability to live up to unrealistic expectations? It’s our fault for how we prioritize our time, how we organize ourselves. It is never the fault of our surroundings; the failure therefore always internalized.
The best we can do is lower the bar, to catch ourselves in moments of ‘failure’, to check if our expectations are both ours and realistic. It’s ok to be late to a birthday party, it’s ok to miss bedtime sometimes. My son still knows I love him. If Instagram thinks I have it all than so be it; but know it’s all smoke, mirrors + a Paris filter.
*k
coined by Helen Gurley Brown, editor-in-chief at Cosmo .
the motherhood penalty has it’s own wikipedia page.
clearly biased
♥️as always your words hit home. Thank you for your sharing your thoughts Katie, and happy birthday!
I worked in tech at the height of the 'Lean In' era. I didn't read it then and won't read it now or ever because it doesn't acknowledge all the things you do here about the broken system pitted against women, especially mothers, and it perpetuates that awful message, "it's all on you to solve it, just try harder/try smarter/spend more money." I will always read and appreciate your words. Thank you, keep going, Happy Birthday. I'm glad you're here.